Keep The Children – Send The Parents Back

I can not begin to tell you the range of emotions I have felt since this sad and tragic story broke.

First of all, we have close personal friends who adopted three children from Russia.  The children were two brothers and a sister ranging in ages from six to eleven.  This was more than a decade ago.  None of the children spoke english and the adoptive family did not speak Russian.  To say it was difficult from the beginning would be accurate but would not really give you any sense of what life was like for the adoptive children or the adoptive family.  I must say that I truly admire the adoptive family.  The children posed more than cultural challenges.  But I think that most people fail to step back and try to look at things through the eyes of adoptive children.  Really think about that for just a minute.  They have hopes and dreams too.  They want to be love and accepted.  They want to be safe and to feel secure.  They want some sense of belonging.  They want to not have to worry about their day-to-day life… where will they live?  Who will they live with?  What will they wear?  What will they eat?  Just imagine not having any control over a single aspect of  your life.   Is it any wonder that many adoptive children are less than what adoptive parents dream of adopting?!

Can I just get real.  When I heard about the mother sending that young Russian boy back to Russia… alone on that long plane flight and then a two-hour ride with a stranger to his final destination it made me so angry that if there were absolutely no consequences what-so-ever (legal or spiritual) I would find that woman and beat the living crap out of her!!  Seriously.  But fortunately for her I am bound by legal restraints and (most importantly) spiritual edict.  And yes I know that since I even had the thought… Forgive me Father.  Thank You.

I think there are a whole lot of adoptive parents who are just selfish, foolhardy individuals.  They have this fantasy dream of what their life would be like if they could just adopt a perfect little “Johnny” or perfect little “Suzy.”  Guess what folks, you are messed up in the head!  What sort of chance do you think your adoptive child stands since your head is messed up beginning this process?!  Properly caring for (adoptive or birth) children takes sacrifice!  When you determine that you are going to raise a child what you really should be saying is, “I hear by give up my rights as an individual.  I will make all future decisions based on what is BEST for my child.  I will be selfless.  I will provide for my child in every way needed.  If my child needs extra help in a certain or specific area that I am unable to understand or provide, I will seek out those who can provide that help.  I will learn what I need to learn to help my child through whatever he/she needs help with.  I will nurture my child and teach he/she discipline.  I will demonstrate to my child how to succeed by helping him/her succeed.  I will be the rock that my child can always count on.  I will not be perfect but I will faithful to him/her.  When I screw up I will tell him/her that I screwed up and I will try to do better.  I WILL BE THE PARENT!!”

Now I would love to say that I have been perfect and true to all of that but that would be a lie.  I have learned most of what I know by not doing it right the first or fourteenth time.  But I know it now.

And if you haven’t read any of my previous Bolg posts our family has also adopted two children.  We know first hand the difficulties.  But we also know first hand, the rewards of staying true to our beliefs and working through the less than perfect scenarios.

Be a blessing to your children.  They need and deserve nothing less!


16 Responses to Keep The Children – Send The Parents Back

  1. Servant says:

    No doubt Michael, you have the moral authority to speak to this one. Adopting kids is not like adopting puppies and sending them back to the shelter when they “poop” on a carpet. It is obvious this woman did not think through even remotely the issues of an international adoption. The tragedy is, it looks like she is going to mess up alot of other sincere and “sane” potential parents out there who would love to adopt. She needs to feel the “heat” of public opinion and international outrage on this one.

  2. Joy says:

    This also really affected me Michael. I’m not sure how anyone could do such a thing. How many of us would like to send the bio kids back?? I was tempted a few times but I didn’t know where the “return” was.

    The perfect child. Hhhmmmm, I don’t think there is such a thing.

    Wonderful post Michael.

  3. Amber says:

    Well I have to say that I was completely appalled with HOW this woman did it. I mean seriously, sending a child home on a plane alone is just… unbeliveable. I want to beat the crap out of her.

    Im not defending her but I have the following to say here….

    I too know several adoptive situations from Russia of all places. People like the children from there simply because they are plentiful and they are white. Hate to be crude, but there ya go. They don’t take into accout what horrors these children have gone through and the deep psychological issues they are scarred with. They just see cute child.

    Secondly, the Russians are not wonderful either here. Part of the issue is that they don’t disclose what the child’s backgrounds really are, and often they place the adoptive parents in positions with the children that set them up for failure from the get go. Medical histories are either not given or falsified.

    In the particular case that I know of, the two little girls that were adopted, wow was that a nightmare for the parents. The mother literally gave up her life to become mother to these two little girls and both of them ended up having severe problems emotionally, developmentally and educationally. The mother later found out that the girls were known to have family history of psychosis, drug abuse, were born drug addicted etc. All of these things could have been disclosed from the start so at least the girls could have had the proper care.

    WHen you have a child who says they will kill you in your sleep, and they start setting fires to your home, even your own natural children you get feeling overwhelmed and fearing for your life. Any parent would. THis parent took the “easy way” out. Shame on her. Fear makes you do weird things.

    Still, I am less mad at this mother than the one who simply gave her little boy up because she didn’t “want him anymore”. She didn’t feel as though she bonded with him like she did her other children. What the hell is that?

    Wasn’t there a Russian embassy or something that could have taken the child? I have to wonder what the hell was going through these people’s minds…. really.

    There is a problem in the system. THere needs to be more support and safety nets in place. Maybe if there were, more children wouldn’t be thrown away in the first place.

    After all Michael, they didn’t just hand you those two children. You had to work very hard to get them. Maybe adoption even out of country should work in a similar way??

    • mssc54 says:

      I think that is one of my biggest issues with international adoptions. There is very little accountability (from my second-hand understanding). It’s not like you can force a foreign government to own up to what you want/need to know. Just look at Russia’s history for goodness sakes!

      There are many mothers who have given up their lives to care for their children. Many of these mothers did not know their child would be born with profound birth defects. Just because a child is adopted does not mean that the adoptive parents should be able to look in their adoption contract for the return policy.

      There are ZERO guarantees with people. Period. It doesn’t matter if they are new born, toddlers, teenagers, young adults or what. Adoptive parents should figure that the child they are adopting has some sort of “issue.” How stupid do you have to be to thijnk that every child available for adoption is available because their birth parents felt so inadequate because of their child’s “perfectness?” Children are available for adoption because their birth parents can not or will not take care of them. Either way, in the least, adoptive children stand a great chance of having emotional and/or psychological challenges.

      Why should an adoptive parent have more options when it comes to dealing with their children?

      The woman who sent that Russian boy back like she did should be held financial responsible for him regardless of where he lives.

  4. Amber says:

    P.S. Where is your fishie???

  5. Nikki says:

    My first reaction was similar to yours to be quite honest. I understand the boy had issues, deal with it properly. Have compassion! That’s what people lack these days, compassion for other human beings. That poor boy, I cannot imagine what he’d gone through before this happened. He must feel so unloved and unwanted. It breaks my heart, I want to wrap my arms around him!

  6. joz1234 says:

    Very nicely said. I too was appalled by this situation, and while I have no experience with adoption, I do have 2 children and could never imagine “returning” one. Help them, care for them, nurture them, and lay down your life for them. You are right, it’s all about self-sacrifice, whether adopted or biological. they are your kids.

  7. Thank you for sharing this article. I have not listened to the news enough lately to know this story. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.

    My husband and I spent two years working as house parents in a group foster home with teenaged boys in our cottage in addition to our own two children. I wanted to be able to help children that came from lives similiar to mine as an incest survivor and growing up in a home with alcoholism. I don’t know why we were put over a boys cottage rather than a girls cottage but that is what we were assigned.

    After two years, I realized that I could not really help anybody else until I worked on my own abuse issues. Within a year of that time, I started my working on my own recovery through counseling and 12-Step programs. Those boys taught me more about myself than I felt that I gave to them. I will forever be grateful to those children and that time in my life.

  8. Ethereal Highway says:

    Even though none of my children are adopted, I was also very deeply hurt and angered when I read the story of this poor little boy. Thank you for posting about it and for seeing from the eyes and heart of the child. The poor little boy. How truly awful and devastating. I hope he finds some love and security from somewhere.

  9. I read this story and was sickened, saddened and outraged. Thank you for raising awareness and telling your opinions and feelings about it here on your blog. I honestly think there should be some criminal charges brought against this woman who simply “sent her child back” with a note saying she couldn’t parent him. It’s outrageous!

    Thanks for letting us use this post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. People should know that when something like this happens to a child he/she IS further traumatized and abused!

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