Some times I look back on my life and try to evaluate the times where I felt like my world was falling apart. What happened? What role did I play? What responsibility did I have? What can I learn from that? How should I respond in the future? Wouldn’t it be great if I could learn (the first time) from where/when I make a poor choice?
As I have been (intentionally) reviewing one specific event in my life (see previous Blog post) I have had somewhat of an epiphany. For over three decades I have allowed this event to shadow me. I have been looking at how wounded, hurt and traumatized I have been. Poor, poor me. I hadn’t for a single second considered how my actions affected everyone else around me. I have carried anger, resentment and even shame with me for so long that it had become a “right.” After all I was a mere child. Bologna! I knew right from wrong. I knew that I was challenging the authority over me. But I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I wanted to act up and make jokes. It was all about me!!
Well guess what Buck-O. It wasn’t about just me! It was about the coaches and the other players too! It should have been about honoring the authority set over me and complying with their wishes and directives the first time I was corrected. But noooooooo, I had to push it (as usual). My coach held me accountable for my actions. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I can finally look back on the events of that fateful night and see that I was not the only one affected by my actions. I can now recognise that coach tried to allow me back on the team by letting the entire team vote me on or off. But I was such a jerk most of the time that not even the other players wanted me around! I can’t imagine how coach felt when he realized that, in spite of his efforts to reinstate me, it was a done deal. I’m sure he would have never guessed that the vote would have been so lopsided.
Rarely does life allow us any do-overs. If I could I would certainly make better choices. Not only with regards to this event but through most of my adolescence. My mouth has always been my biggest challenge. Still is, if you want to know the truth.
I’m sorry coach for not allowing you to do your job without my disruption. You were a good coach and I did learn a lot from you. And to my former team mates, I’m sorry that I was such a jerk to be around. I wish I had been a better player and I certainly wish I had been a better friend.
And no I’m not beating myself up. I’m just reviewing the facts of my life and trying to recognise (once again) where it is that I have responsibility!