I’m just so confused about what to do. I mean we want to allow our two “new kids” to have access to their biological cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents but at this point our little girl’s counselor says NO WAY!
Bless her little heart she is still so confused. A few months ago there was a big incident which I wrote about (https://mssc54.wordpress.com/2009/04/17/i-hate-you-yuore-not-my-mommy/).
Our little girl goes to therapy twice a month for an hour. We’ve had both children for thirty-seven months now. For the first year her counselor would come to our home every Monday morning and “visit” with her from eight to nine. Now, at this point, she has “graduated” to a twice a month schedule.
Here’s the most recent quandary. One of her maternal aunts asked if the kids could spend the night a couple of weeks ago. Although this aunt is the sister of our new kids’ biological mother they have been pretty good at not letting bio-mom have any contact what-so-ever. However, on this particular sleep over night our little girl’s eleven year old cousin somehow brought up bio-mom during prayer time. So much so that when our little girl came home the next day she came up to me with a huge grin on her face and said, “Daddy, I know how to spell my other mommies name!” Then she blurted out the proper spelling of bio-mom. What’s even worse is that she began talking about bio-dad by name! For about a year now she had been referring to bio-dad as “that man.” So now she not only knows how to spell bio-mom’s name correctly but also now remembers what bio-dad’s name is!
The aunt and uncle don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. “It was just a mistake.” Well “just a mistake” had our little girl writing a letter today in her counselor’s office saying that she’s sorry her other mommy is sad because she can’t see her. The counselor told us that she feels guilty and responsible because bio-mom is sad!
So extended bio-family just slips into their life whenever it’s convenient for them, stirs up there little hearts and causes more psychological issues and doesn’t even say “sorry!” It was “just a mistake.”
I guess we will have to go back to how contact was in the early months. They can talk to them on the phone while we are on the extension listening but to give them unsupervised access is out of the question. Needless to say there won’t be any more sleep overs for a very, very long time… if ever.
A couple of things that really ticked me off: I shot off an email to bio-aunt and uncle. Mater of fact here it is.
To be honest I’m a little confused and more than annoyed that “L” came home telling me that she knows how to spell her other mother’s name. That’s never happened here and has not come up for quite some time. Not even during to her regular hourly (weekly) counseling sessions she returned to about six weeks ago. And talking about Gene too! She told us (and her counselor) that she couldn’t remember “that man’s” name. Now she spends the night with you guys and she comes home talking about Mary and Gene!! Great!
Later bio-uncle responds:
Michael I know that you are upset. I just heard about it tonight. L brought it up when she was praying. She prayed for you and B then she prayed for her other mommy and daddy. That is how it all started. That was with E when the 2 were praying before going to bed. Have you found out what happened? Have you even asked what happened? I really want to know if this is how Jesus would handle this situation? S
Are you friggn kidding me?! WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? You’re asking ME what would Jesus do?! Coming from the biological aunt and uncle who when their niece and nephew were four and two years old would rather let them enter into Foster Care or a state run orphanage then to alter their life and take them in and raise them?!!
My (calmer) response to the bio-aunt and uncle was this.
After carefully considering your and K’s response I felt as if one last response may be in order. K and your letters indicated a couple of things that deserve some clarification. It basically revolves around two things you mentioned.
1. My anger
2. What would Jesus do
First, to be clear, my irritation is not rooted in any selfish, carnal, or immature reaction. It is rooted in what is best for two children whose biological parents ejected them from theirlives because of their selfish, carnal, and immature actions. This isn’t about you or how I may feel. It is about them and what is best not okay or good but best. Their lives are not “normal”. They are being put back together again and to be candid, everyone needs to develop some sensitivity to that concept. B and I deal with this on a day to day basis. We are talking about therapy, counselors, lawyers, DSS, judges, and it seems a little disingenuous to me that you havedifficulty understanding why that would be a sensitive subject to us. Maybe it was time you got “put out” with the people who created this situation and exercised a little bit of attention and grace to those of us who are “in the hunt” with regards to these two children’s lives. In fact, if we had not stepped up and did as Jesus told the disciples one day “let the little ones come unto me” I dare say that none of us would know where L and P would be today. They would be with strangers, somewhere in the United States and we all would be left to wonder the rest of our days what ever became of them.
Secondly, what would Jesus do? Are you really so blind as to ask a question like that? Are you really so self-consumed that you cannot see that you have faced that very question on numerous occasions (regarding L and P) and did not pass the test. Do I have to list the ways that you have disqualified yourself from ever asking that question? If this didn’t involve L and P, I could almost laugh at the sheer hypocrisy of that question. Their very extended family who conveniently enters and exits as time permits…asking the C’s…what would Jesus do? I think you may need to seek the Lord on this one more than I.
Having said all that, I do think there can be value in L and P maintaining a relationship with some in their biological family. However, we are the parents. Period. This is a big, sensitiveve topic in our household; not because of our personal insecurities, but rather every health professionals’ opinion is telling us that the relationship with their biological parents is harmful. You and K are going to have to decide how you will handle this appropriately and develop better strategies of keeping L and P on target from where their support is really coming from. It is time you all made the attempt to get in the game on this one as well. L spent the first year of her life without her “mommy” only to have her suddenly appear then over the course of the next three years of her life to have strangers (DSS) remove her from her parents twice before we were finally asked to take them. Imagine you are a little two or three year old girl and haveto wonder if each time these “strangers” came to visit your home if they would take you away from your mommy and daddy….again. S you can not imagine the psychological, emotional and yes even the physical problems that continue with L to this day because of the extensive neglect she suffered at the hands of those who professed to love her. This isn’t about you…it is about them. And because of that, I will be ever vigilant to defend the defenseless.
What is really sad, is that all you or K had to do was say, “Sorry Michael, we’ll try to catch these moments and bring better direction to it”. It would have all been over and I would have had incredible respect for you both.
I guess I will take your advice and keep asking, “What would Jesus do”? I feel like I have the fruit to show I have done exactly that. Will the cardiologist check his own heart too?
Standing for the innocent.