SOMETHING IS BASS-ACKWARDS!

 

                                                            

In the United States of America you can be fined $5K and jailed for tampering with an American Bald Eagle egg.

In the United States of America a female may (under the Obama Health Care Plan) be entitled to receive Federal (tax payer) money to remove the baby growing inside of her.

In other words, it is NOT your right to pluck out a bird but it is your right to pluck out a baby!

Keep The Children – Send The Parents Back

I can not begin to tell you the range of emotions I have felt since this sad and tragic story broke.

First of all, we have close personal friends who adopted three children from Russia.  The children were two brothers and a sister ranging in ages from six to eleven.  This was more than a decade ago.  None of the children spoke english and the adoptive family did not speak Russian.  To say it was difficult from the beginning would be accurate but would not really give you any sense of what life was like for the adoptive children or the adoptive family.  I must say that I truly admire the adoptive family.  The children posed more than cultural challenges.  But I think that most people fail to step back and try to look at things through the eyes of adoptive children.  Really think about that for just a minute.  They have hopes and dreams too.  They want to be love and accepted.  They want to be safe and to feel secure.  They want some sense of belonging.  They want to not have to worry about their day-to-day life… where will they live?  Who will they live with?  What will they wear?  What will they eat?  Just imagine not having any control over a single aspect of  your life.   Is it any wonder that many adoptive children are less than what adoptive parents dream of adopting?!

Can I just get real.  When I heard about the mother sending that young Russian boy back to Russia… alone on that long plane flight and then a two-hour ride with a stranger to his final destination it made me so angry that if there were absolutely no consequences what-so-ever (legal or spiritual) I would find that woman and beat the living crap out of her!!  Seriously.  But fortunately for her I am bound by legal restraints and (most importantly) spiritual edict.  And yes I know that since I even had the thought… Forgive me Father.  Thank You.

I think there are a whole lot of adoptive parents who are just selfish, foolhardy individuals.  They have this fantasy dream of what their life would be like if they could just adopt a perfect little “Johnny” or perfect little “Suzy.”  Guess what folks, you are messed up in the head!  What sort of chance do you think your adoptive child stands since your head is messed up beginning this process?!  Properly caring for (adoptive or birth) children takes sacrifice!  When you determine that you are going to raise a child what you really should be saying is, “I hear by give up my rights as an individual.  I will make all future decisions based on what is BEST for my child.  I will be selfless.  I will provide for my child in every way needed.  If my child needs extra help in a certain or specific area that I am unable to understand or provide, I will seek out those who can provide that help.  I will learn what I need to learn to help my child through whatever he/she needs help with.  I will nurture my child and teach he/she discipline.  I will demonstrate to my child how to succeed by helping him/her succeed.  I will be the rock that my child can always count on.  I will not be perfect but I will faithful to him/her.  When I screw up I will tell him/her that I screwed up and I will try to do better.  I WILL BE THE PARENT!!”

Now I would love to say that I have been perfect and true to all of that but that would be a lie.  I have learned most of what I know by not doing it right the first or fourteenth time.  But I know it now.

And if you haven’t read any of my previous Bolg posts our family has also adopted two children.  We know first hand the difficulties.  But we also know first hand, the rewards of staying true to our beliefs and working through the less than perfect scenarios.

Be a blessing to your children.  They need and deserve nothing less!

Why go international when you can stay local?

I’ve been wondering lately…  In many cases adoptive parents will spend tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a child from a foreign country.  Now don’t get me wrong I believe that every single child deserves a home where they can be loved and cared for.  What I don’t get is why people will go to such effort to (basically) purchase their child from a foreign government.

If you are a regular reader of this blog then you know that our family is in the final throes of completing the adoption of “our” five year old son and seven year old daughter.  They are biological brother and sister.  I won’t go into the sordid story as too how this all happened.  If you don’t know and want to know you can look back through previous posts.

Here’s one thing I learned while attending our Parenting Class at the local Department of Social Services.  Most people want to adopt an infant child who is perfect in every way (not even the hint of  a single defect).  No physical, psychological or emotional problems.  Well guess what, not even birth parents are guaranteed that!  So why is it that some perspective adoptive parents have this fantasy of a “perfect” infant child?  I know, I know, it’s only human nature to want only the best for your child and family.  Our family are no different in that regard.  With the pregnancy of each of our birth children we dreamt and prayed for a healthy baby.  We have been blessed that the Creator’s plan for us was to honor our prayers.

Perhaps in a later Blog post I will address why it is that the vast majority of people view the perfect infant child as one who has no physical defects and by all scientific terms falls into the proper percentile of the various fields of measurement.

But to get back on topic;  We know first hand how difficult it can be to adopt a child from The State.  God knows it can be exasperating, pre=”">aggrevating, annoying and will just plain ol tick you off at times.  However, it is important to keep the end goal in mind.  We are not doing this for our benefit!  I think that is where the biggest difference lyes.  Some perspective adoptive parents plan to adopt a child for what the child can do for them.  I think that attitude or expectation perverts the relationship from the git-go.  Instead of wanting to provide a nurturing, loving environment for a child in need they want a child for what the child can fulfill for them!!  That is a pretty heavy load to place on a child who, for all intense and purposes, has already had too much trauma in their little life.

One of the exercises we (as a group) had to do during our Parenting Class was;  each couple or individual was given a card.  On this card was the name of a child or siblings, which included their first name and a brief (true) history of the environment they came from.  Also listed were any “issues” the child/children had demonstrated (playing with matches, acting out sexually, aggressive behavior, et .).  Then we went around the table and stated why or why not we would adopt this particular child.   How would we handle the various “issues” each child had.  I was saddened and shocked to find that about 90 percent of the people said they would not adopt a child who had “issues”.  Now keep in mind that each of these people had previously said they wanted to adopt because they love children and want to give them a loving and nurturing home.   LIARS!  I mean, excuse me!?  You mean you want a perfect little child who can fulfill some void you have and one who can fulfill your fantasy of your perfect family with the white picket fence and all.  You disgust me.

So those can be some of the horrors of Adopting Local.  Now for International Adoptions.  We have not done this but have close friends who have.  They adopted three children from Russia.  All three children were under the age of eight at the time of adoption.  They ended up with a “buy two and get the third free” package.  They spent over forty thousand dollars (cash money).  Then of course they had to bring with them anything the child would need.  They get the child (basically) naked.   This particular International Adoption story began as a wonderful story book tale.  However, two of the three children eventually ended up in trouble with the law while the third still struggles to keep it all together.

I have had some people tell me that God placed on their heart to adopt internationally.  Really?  Didn’t God know that there are hundreds or perhaps thousands of needy children right in your own local community?  I wonder why God didn’t place you in that foreign country near those children.  Is it at least possible that YOU saw the need for foreign orphans THEN PRAYED FOR GOD TO BLESS WHAT YOU WANT?!  Of course, I can not see into any person’s heart.

Here are the statistics from the INTERCOUNTRY ADOPTION – Office of Children’s Issues, United States Department of State.

2000 – 18,477

2001 – 19,224

2002 – 21,378

2003 – 21,516

2004 – 22,884

2005 – 22,739

2006 – 20,679

2007 – 19,613

2008 – 17,488

Total 191,988 INTERNATIONALLY ADOPTED CHILDREN

I also found that “cash out of pocket” International Adoption can range from $11,325.00 – $20,679.00.  So using my mad math skills if I average those two sums and then multiply that by the number of adoptions for the years 2000 through 2008 I come up with THREE BILLION, SEVENTY-TWO MILLION, THREE HUNDRED FIFTY-ONE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-SIX DOLLARS ($3,072,351,996)!  Wow that’s one heck-of-a-lot of money spent to help only 191,998 children.

Can you imagine (with me) what the International Community would look like if more than three billion dollars had been spent on improving the lives of ALL the children in those countries?  How life altering would that be if orphaned children in foreign countries were the benefactors of US dollars?  Instead of seeing US as people who are taking a child here and there, US could be seen as building entire communities where orphaned children could (possibly) receive the best care imaginable.  What would the future of ALL of those children look like?

Now continue to dream with me.  What would our own local communities look like of  those parents who adopted Internationally had adopted the unwanted, unloved, abused and neglected children out of their very own “back yards?”   I dare say the world would look at US in a very different light.  I further dare to say that the Creator of those little lives would look on (not only US) but each of us in a very different light.

Once again, I can not see into the human heart to determine it’s intent.  Whether the intent is to fulfill a personal (aka prideful) dream or to sacrifice their life for that of one who can not defend or provide for themself.  Adoption should be a selfless, sacrificial life style.  If you are not willing to sacrifice YOUR LIFE at least send a check to an orphanage in your local area.

There’s got to be more I can do for these children.

What makes our family so special?

Many of you who regularly (or even sporadically) read this Blog know that at the tender ages of 49 and 51 my Mrs. and I took custody of a (then) 2 and 4 year old brother and sister.  We are currently waiting on the final court date so the judge can change the names and finalize the adoption.

My wife and I have been married for a little over 35 years and have three grown biological daughters ages 29, 25 and 20.  We also have two grandchildren ages 3.5 and 2.5.  So now our “new kids” will be Aunt Lindsay (age 7) and Uncle Porter (age 5).   What a hoot!

There have been many challenges with our “new kids”.  Children who are the byproduct of years of neglect and abuse have (I hate this term but…) special needs.  They don’t see the world as children of an intact, healthy “normal” family.  Children who are old enough to remember their biological parents have even more issues.  They have fantasies of a miraculous biological parental healing resulting in some sort of relationship with their biological family.

We, of course, are were clueless as to these issues and how to handle them.  We are still learning and so are the kids.

Our biological daughters, their husbands and children have all been 100% supportive through the entire three year process.  In fact, we talked with them before we agreed to take Lindsay and Porter under the State Emergency Safety Plan.  Then after much prayer and discussion we talked to the girls again concerning their feelings about us adopting.  They were and still are completely supportive.

The thing that I find difficult to understand is:  “Why does everyone think that we are so “wonderful”?  I just don’t get that.  So we are not “traditional” parents at our age.  So what if we are basically giving the next 15 – 20 years of our lives to (intentionally) parent  these remarkable young children.  What else would we do?  Sit around and read books, play games, travel and just have a life of leisure?  Not likely. 

I think everyone’s life is busy.  We have just determined that our life will be busy with doing what God has ordained us to do. Who else would choose differently?

Children having children.

Ever since I can remember I’ve been bothered by little children being neglected and/or abused.  Especially infants!!

If you’ve paid even a moderate amount of attention to the news in recent years you should have noticed that the incidence of teenagers (and younger) girls having babies has risen to an alarming rate.

First of all it used to be a stigma to have a baby out of wedlock.  Now, it seems, that having babies out of wedlock is seen as almost popular.  But to give these procreating individuals credit, at least they chose to have the baby and not have it cut into small pieces and vacuumed out of their body.  Credit given.

I think there is enough “blame” to go around but for the most part the responsibility falls squarely on parents.  Period!  Just take a look at the number of marriages that fail.  It is difficult to parent a child properly when the child sees their mommy and daddy doing what pleases them most.  They “fall out of love” or one or the other parent cheats and a nasty divorce insues.

What are these children supposed to learn from such self centered, I deserve to be happy no matter who else gets hurt attitudes?

Still… the guys who impregnate these young girls really disgust me.  In some circles it’s almost like a badge of honor as too how many girls one boy/young man can impregnate.  Truly disgusting if you ask me.  Little thought seems to be given to the life that mother and baby is doomed to live.  No father around so they end up on public assistance or living with their mother. 

Then “The System” seems to punish the woman if she does want to get married.  In order to better support their baby these mothers may want to marry the father but if they do marry then they somehow disqualify for public housing.  So some of these fathers end up living in public housing with the baby and the baby’s mama until it’s time for the monthly inspection.  Then the father has to find some place to hold up for a day or two.

In the end the one who suffers most are the babies… the children.

These young girls who get pregnant and the boys who impregnate them may or may not know how to use a condom.  In all likely-hood they know how but choose not to.  They can write obscene language on a bathroom wall but can’t write a complete sentence.  They know how to find the free clinic but are unwilling to make it to school on a regular basis.  At some point “The System” needs to be looked at.  Why should those of us who work every day be saddled with the expense of those who seem to have recreational sex, get pregnant, have babies and hold their hands out and say “help me!”? 

Perhaps when a woman on public assistance already has a child and she gets pregnant the DNA of all the babies she has after getting into the system should be put into some data base.  Then when the baby’s daddy shows up HE can be held financially responsible.  If either or both parents are minors then I say don’t give them any financial assistance except food vouchers for the baby.

This may seem judgemental or even harsh but so what!  Something needs to be done to save the next generation.  I very seriously this little Blog post will save any babies but it’s a bit thereputic for me.

Now go out there and mentor a child!

MOTHERS’ DAY 2009

You have no idea just how exactly precise the verbiage to this “cartoon” is!

So yesterday was Mothers’ Day.  Ours was quite enjoyable and a good time was had by all.  EVERYONE went over to my mother-in-laws for a back yard shindig.  Let me see if I can recall the menu: Marinated (fried) pork loin, spiral-cut honey (baked) ham, hot-dogs, pulled pork, deviled eggs, vegetable tray with that yummy dressing, sausage-baked beans, cake, ice cream, cookies and I’m probably forgetting something but it was all good!

I figure all the good mommies were addressed and affirmed yesterday.  So let me address those women who have no business reproducing.

You disgust me!  You make me sick with your selfish “it’s all about me” attitude and lifestyle!  You have a child not a frigging pet.  Well, thanks for not having an abortion but why didn’t you put the child up for adoption?  You continue doing drugs, drinking and fighting so why in the world do you keep that little human being in such an environment?  You slap them around because they try to talk or want some attention from you!  You beat the tar out of them because they did something that may make your shack-daddy want to leave you.

You are a pathetic excuse for a mother!  You SAY you love your child but your actions show that you could care less for them.  Your child is not some sort of ornament that you show off every once in a while to try to make yourself look like you have some modicum of success in your life.  EVEN A GOAT CAN GET PREGNANT AND HAVE OFFSPRING!! 

And don’t give me that crap about you have a “disease” and you can’t help your behavior either!  Fine, you have a disease.  Take you child down to Social Services and tell them that you have a disease and you need help!  But nooooooo, that might make you look like the person you truly are!

You know what?  I would rather see a woman have something happen to her that renders her unable to reproduce than to have any more of these selfish, self centered, “diseased”, abusive, drug addicted, alcoholic females bear a child into the lifestyle they lead!

NOW PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE, THE WEED, THE CRACK PIPE OR WHATEVER YOUR MOOD/MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCE IS AND TAKE YOUR ABUSED AND NEGLECTED CHILDREN DOWN TO SOCIAL SERVICES.  

That may be the best thing you ever do for them!

END RANT

I HATE YOU! YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY!

Earlier in the week I was sitting down with my leg elevated on the recliner couch.  Our little seven year old comes up and asks if she can snuggle with me.  Of course that always thrilled when she is so affectionate… which is often.

So we are sitting there watching MONK and one of the actors says, “You can’t make that decision.  Only her biological mother can.”   Uh oh!

“Daddy, what’s a biological mother?”  I tried to blow it off but she asked again.  Now for those of you who don’t know we took physical custody of our youngest little girl and her younger brother in May of 2006 and we just heard yesterday that the State should have all the necessary paperwork together for us to go in and sign on the 29th of April.  Then we have to wait on a court date to finalize the adoption of our new kids (ages 7 & 5 now).  So anyway I tell her that a biological mother is a woman who carries the baby in her belly before it’s born.  That seemed to satisfy her curiosity and I thought that was the end of it.  Boy was I ever wrong!

We have this Mexican place we usually eat at on Tuesdays evenings (kids eat free!).  So after dinner the Mrs. and the kids dropped me off at our local church so I could attend our weekly men’s bible study.

I got home about 8:30 and the Mrs. Says to me, “I had a pretty rough time while you were gone.”  Our little boy has been experiencing some difficulty with his behavior so I immediately thought it was him.  No, she says it was her.  What?  What in the world happened?!

The Mrs:  Well I checked her homework and it was really sloppy and I pointed out how sloppy it was and told her she needed to redo it.  The Girl:  It’s fine!  Everyone else’s looks like that!  The Mrs:  It doesn’t matter what the other kids work looks like yours should be done neatly.  The Girl: (screaming) YOUR NOT MY MOMMY!  I HATE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE ANYMORE! I’M GOING TO GET MY CLOTHES AND RUN AWAY!.

The Mrs. was almost in tears as she related the events of the next hour and a half.  I felt so bad that I wasn’t there to help.  Then I really felt bad because I realized how all this got started.  It was the “what’s a biological mother?” question.   I guess I should have realized that that opened a door to her little heart and I should have taken time to talk to her more about that.  What a dummy!  Sigh.

The Girl eventually said she was sorry but still…  So this weekend we will have this talk with her about what/who she was really mad at/about.

This is all so new and different but then we knew there would be days like this.

How is that negotiating?

 

I’ve been “negotiating” with the Adoption agency in our state.  You see when you adopt a child from the State they provide a  monthly stipend (per child).  Here is my experience and (current) understanding of how the “negotiation process” works.

First the State says that they will negotiate a monthly stipend (per child) which will carry through age eighteen.  If the adopted child is still in school the stipend will carry through the age of twenty-0ne.  The State says they will start at $0.00 per month per child.  I said that our opening bid would be $X.  The Local State Lady says, oh no the most they would approve is $x because that is what normal Foster Parents would receive.  So I said, okay then I am requesting the max allowed for Foster Parents. 

Of course keep in mind that in two weeks we will be marking/celebrating the three year anniversary of accepting physical custody of our two new kids.  During those thirty-six months the State was so generous enough to send us ONE CHECK FOR TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!  It was marked “quarterly clothing allowance” with the kids’ name on it.

Now back to the negotiating.  So I say we want to “max out”.  The call comes in that our negotiated price was not accepted.  A smaller amount (by nearly $100 a month) was approved.  I said, that’s unacceptable.  I want to appeal.  You can’t appeal.  What?  I can’t appeal?  That’s final?  Over?  How is it negotiating if you decide what you will give and we have to accept  it?  Why don’t we do it the other way around and I decide the amount and you have to accept it?   Well…. that’s just the way it works.  You can call my supervisor in the Up-State.

Me:  Hello, this is Mr. We B. Abused, I’m calling about the monthly stipend.  Can you please explain to me how you go about coming up with the amount per child?  State Lady:  Well, it’s based on the child’s special needs:  how much we believe it will take a family to provide above the normal expenses for an adopted child based on their special need.  Me:  So you have already determined  how much a Foster Parent will receive right?  State Lady:  That’s right, but I have to look out for all the children in the system and of course there have been drastic budget cuts.  Me:  Well, State Lady, what does a child being placed for adoption need to do to receive the maximum predetermined amount per month?  Stab some one with a screwdriver?  I mean our four year old has already been suspended from school twice this year.  He (literally) shredded his Principal’s office.  Knocked all the stuff off of her desk, turned over the trash can, tore all the books off the book shelf while yelling and screaming.  That was a two day suspension.  Then he told his teacher he was going to bring a gun to school and kill him!  That was another two day suspension!  I suppose there are children who have more challenges than our little guy but it seems based on his (current) behavior, his diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)… He just turned five last Friday and his medical record is already almost two inches thick!  I was reading the day he was born where he tested positive for canabinoid and it was documented that he was “flailing his extremities and rooting around in his crib.”  He was only a few hours old and he was DETOXING!!! 

Ms. State Lady I don’t want you to take this personally but here is my view of this whole thing.  The biological mother loaded the gun and The Agency helped her shoot it.  I mean she admitted when the boy was born that she had been smoking pot, drinking alcohol and smoking the entire time she was pregnant.  The bio-dad had already confessed to having a cocaine problem.  So what does The Agency do?  They make the cocaine bio-dad the “supervisor” and then sends the new born and mom home for him to watch over!  Then over the two years up until the two children are removed and placed into our care the children are removed from their home for periods of time TWICE!  And remember during this two year period the bio-mom and bio-dad did not pass a single drug test!  Once again Ms. State Lady, don’t take this personal but it is my layman’s opinion that if The State would have done their job (which is to protect children not unite families) neither of these children would be in the psychological or physical condition they are in now.

State Lady:  Well Mr. We B. Abused, I’m sorry you feel that way but I can certainly understand your point.  Once I have a chance to verify what you’ve told me… Oh, I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right.  Me:  That’s okay I completely understand that you need to check the facts.  As a matter of fact I expect you too.  State Lady:  Thank you.  I wasn’t aware that the little boy had been suspended twice already.  I need to verify that.  Me:  Well that just goes to prove my point.  We provided written copies of his disciplinary actions from his school and the written diagnosis of ODD with the psychiatrist’s notes to the local DSS office.

State Lady:  Well once I verify this information I will be able to “max out” on him but I’m afraid I will not be able to provide any additional funding for the little girl.  Me:  I think that’s fair.  State Lady:  Once I do that will you be willing to move forward and sign the paperwork?  Me:  Yes, of course.

Why do I feel so exhausted now?

Our First Grader Receives the President’s Award

On Monday of this week our little first grader was awarded the President’s Award for her class.  This award encompasses academics, initiative, citizenship, etc.  Of course we are very pleased, proud and excited of this recognition.  This award is only awarded to four students (in each class) through the entire school.

The Award is presented by one of the Dr.’s from a local University and the principala of her school.  It was a big deal time wich included (not only) the “walk across the stage” but individual pictures and refreshments too.  Our little girl was so proud and happy!

Except for one thing.  “Daddy, I don’t see grandma.  She told me she was going to come.”  So I respond with, “I sorry honey, I guess something came up and she wasn’t able to make it.”  Actually grandma (paternal bio-grandma) had told the seven year old that she was so proud of her and that she was “going to try to come.”

What I wanted to say to our little girl was, “Well honey some day you will learn that people decide what is most important to them and what’s not.  People only have a finite number of hours in each day and they have to determine how they want to spend that time.  You weren’t as important as something else to grandma.  Get used to it.”  But I didn’t, I just put on my happy face and made her experience as joyful as possible.  And it was!  She was smiling from ear to ear (almost literally). 

Once again we are so proud of our little girl’s progress and most recent accomplishments.

On the other hand… not the least bit surprised or pleased that bio-granny did not find the time to attend the hour long ceremony.

But of course if I say anything (to her) that would make me the bad guy.   We have never and will never said anything derogatory about the bio-family.  Not even the former mother and father.

Now on another note: our little guy seems to have “turned a corner” with his behavior.  He hasn’t gotten any “frowny faces” for over two weeks now.  In fact, yesterday he was the teacher’s helper.  He gets to lead the line to the day’s various activities.  The class has a new student and when they lined up to go to one of the activities he put the new student behind him in line.  “I want to help him make friends.”   Awwwww

We will continue to “run the race.” 

Oppositional Defiance Disorder

Parenting is such a challenging and rewarding lifestyle.  We recently took our little guy in for some counseling/testing.  He’s been having some problems with his behavior in school.  He’s in four year old kindergarten. 

My Mrs. went to some classes at her school last month.  In one of the classes they were talking about the different ways that boys and girls learn.   Now here’s one statistic that may well floor you as it did me.  Did you know that more children are suspended/expelled from school in four year old kindergarten than all other grades combined?!

I feel so bad for our little guy.   I mean he can’t help that his bio-dad used to beat him with a belt… before he was even two years old!  It’s not his fault that both his bio mom/dad are (still) drug abusers.   How could he stop his bio mom/dad from beating each other up?  He wasn’t even two years old, how was he supposed to get himself out of his crib/playpen to get something to eat?  How was he supposed to know if he cried just one more time that his bio-dad would blow up?  He couldn’t help but be trained to be terrified when his bio-mom said “wait until your dad gets home.”  He couldn’t stop his bio-mom from smoking pot, drinking alcohol and doing other drugs when she was pregnant?!

IT’S NOT HIS FAULT!!!

I (personally) need to get some training on this too.  I mean how am I supposed to hold a child accountable for their (mis)behavior if all the “wires” are connected properly?  How am I supposed to help him become the person he was created to be?

I may not know how to do these things yet but you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m going to figure it all out and help our little boy be successful and too even be a blessing to all those he comes into contact with!

Another thing that is abundantly clear to me.  I know with all certainty that God has placed this little guy and his sister in our family for a specific reason.  He knows that we ALL are lovingly committed to these children and will sacrifice anything we need to too raise them up to be the people they were created to be!